As the election approaches, I’ve been thinking about everything that's happened in the last eight years. Bush became president, and I didn't care. Four years later, I voted for the first time and for Kerry. I felt strongly about him compared to Bush, even though he was a bit square. He lost and I was sad. Now, after four more disastrous years, it came down to Clinton or Obama. I soon realized that if Obama were elected, he would have best chance to make America as great as it could be.  They were very similar on issues, but Obama strongly won me over with his opposition to lobbyists and inspiriting demeanor-- he was someone who could really unite this country and restore America's image in the world.  I’ve been reading the nytimes.com religiously since college and learning about world issues here and there over the years, and I feel like Obama says and does what I believe is right -- about the Iraq War, global warming, the economy, international diplomacy, and everything else. I think about the world being better and people being happier in the face of death, ignorance, poverty and injustice, and that tears me up. I know I don't know everything about politics, current affairs, or history, but I feel like I know enough about the world now to know Obama/Biden would be far better than McCain/Palin. There's almost no comparison for me now.  

I began thinking about being in this moment in history only while thinking about the insignificance my feelings towards people in my life right life.  It’s both a strength and weakness-- feeling strongly towards people that is and usually they don’t even know. Someone who I wanted to care for but realized that they were a different person. Someone who I don't want to lead on but I have to be honest with myself about my future with them. Someone who I wish cared for me as much as I cared for them, and if they really did, they would show me. Someone who was a friend, but let me go because I didn't see them in the same way they hoped.  Someone who was interested in getting to know me, but was disappointed when I didn't present myself clearly or positively. Someone who hurt me deeply and I forgave, but they still think they made the right decision based on never knowing how I truly felt. Someone I care about deeply but will never know. Someone who is beautiful on the inside but I can't be with them because I want more than that and more than who they are.  Someone who I felt bad for being selfish towards, but only because I was tired of giving to everyone.  Someone I used to care for deeply, but their choices about what they wanted in life made me let them go.

It drains me to think about these people, and I'm glad I will never be personally involved in these relationships in counseling-- I will only be personal counselor to the client I'm seeing. But there's something wrong with myself... I need to learn to be fleeting, logical, to let go when it's not right anymore, and feel no guilt or remorse for having moved on. I want to look forward because I know the next person, who will feel so right, will come into my life at any time. I can't keep anchoring myself for anything or anyone that I don't genuinely want from the bottom of my heart.  I need to continually transform myself to be who I really want to be, so when I find someone who truly sees who I am and want to be, and they want me because of it, I’ll be ready to let them be part of my life.

I feel like my voice is in a sea of opinions. My body is in a sea of crowds. I'm myself and I think what I think, say what I say, but who cares? I feel like my life is an endless string of activities. It drains me. Today I had to reassess what's important to me in my life, and it came down to school and relationships with people.  I'm not doing as well as I want to in school, but I think I'm fundamentally flawed in my attitudes towards it in the first place.  Is it realistic for me to know everything and do everything right?  No, but I know I'm capable of so much more.  And with relationships.  Is it realistic for me for me to be with the best person I want to be with?  I think it's possible.. but it's not a reality for me right now, and I'm not always sure what I'm doing right or wrong.  I wish I had more guidance.  I wish I had someone to push me, to teach me.  Most things that I've been motivated to learn has always been in the context of a relationship/group.. it's a social/cultural motivation that has been with me since I grew up in Japan. Being an individual is a lonely affair... why do I still feel I haven't learned to be an adequately happy individual?  That's all I really want.. to be happy. I'm not and I'm not really sure why.